


Clarence

by Cadensaurus (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Plants, that's really all there is to say on the matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5321612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Cadensaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil adopts a new houseplant, Clarence, which needs a little more attention than most plants, and Dan muses on the concept of being an adult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarence

**Author's Note:**

> I can't even justify how silly this story is. It just popped into my head as a concept so I had to write it down.

They're adults. Sometimes Dan finds it hard to believe, given that their days consist of wandering around in t-shirts and boxers and playing video games and kicking around on the internet.

But he writes rent checks, he writes checks for other bills, they order shopping from Tesco's and put it all away, even though they always whine they bought too much stuff when they force themselves to haul seventeen bags upstairs in one trip because two trips is way too much effort.

He's lucky his job allows him to be this way. Sure, they've got stuff to do – planning a worldwide tour of TATINOF, planning for their monthly radio show, planning for videos. But most of the time is theirs to relax with.

He doesn't feel like an adult all of the time. He doesn't feel adulty enough. _I should be an adultier adult_ , he sometimes thinks.

Phil calls for him now, and Dan makes his way over to the lounge where Phil is browsing – oh for heaven's sakes.

“Phil, we are not getting another house plant, we have three plus the cactus,” Dan tells him. Okay, maybe he is an adult, where did that tone of voice come from, when did his mother sneak into his throat?

Phil whines at him. “Look at this one,” he pouts, a big flowery thing that Phil's got on screen. “It'd go right next to the TV and Clarence needs a home.”

It's already a lost cause. He's named it. He's named the plant before they've even bought it and it's a lost cause.

“Will you ever,” Dan calls over his shoulder as he exits the room in defeat, “please consider going to an addictions program for your problem?”

 

Phil goes out and picks up Clarence and hauls him up the stairs to their apartment, only spills a little dirt on the carpet, and is kind enough to vacuum it up before Dan gives him too much shit for it.

Clarence, it turns out, is a _special_ type of plant. He can't be too dry or too wet. Dan thinks to himself, _isn't that true of all plants?_ But apparently, Phil really wants Clarence to survive. See, Clarence is a small blue hydrangea bush and don't those things grow huge?

It turns out that Clarence will also need exposure to sunlight and special care during the winter time, which is now, and so Phil is constantly checking on Clarence's soil levels, determining if they're too dry or not, if he's getting enough sun exposure.

He tweets several photos of their new house plant and Dan retweets them all with snarky commentary. He then spends the next three hours, affronted that Phil isn't paying him _any_ attention whatsoever in favour of _talking_ to Clarence because he's read that talking to plants can help them thrive, tweeting about Phil's problem.

“Just water the damn thing and come to dinner, it's been sitting out for five minutes, it's going to go cold,” Dan snaps at Phil, who only blinks at him and finishes telling Clarence about Simon and how he won't let Clarence die like Simon did, reaching for a small glass of water and pouring it over Clarence's tiny buds of flowers.

 

“It'll be bonding time!” Phil exclaims two weeks later to Dan. Dan has hardly warmed up to Clarence and Phil is still enamoured with the damn plant, to the point that Dan's convinced that Phil's gone into some kind of quasi-maternal mode and thinks it's his kid.

“Phil, I'm not going to spend nearly the amount of time on this plant while you're visiting your parents for three days,” Dan informs him. “I'm going to water it when I wake up and when I go to bed and I'll make sure it's in the sun for a while and that's it.”

“What if it's too dry or too cold or doesn't get enough sun? It'll die and then I'll come home and be devastated.” Phil says.

“It's a plant. We already have four more and you can buy another, one that doesn't require so much of your attention.” Dan argues. “It's not like it's an actual pet.”

“It's a living being and it deserves the attention that's required for it to survive and thrive,” Phil argues. “Come on, Dan, can I trust you to take care of Clarence when I'm gone?”

Dan groans, stuffs his face into a pillow. “This is not what I pictured when I said I needed to be an adultier adult,” he announces to nobody in particular.

In the end, he does it, and he winds up just as paranoid as Phil, if Clarence has gotten enough water or sunlight or if the winter chill is creeping in through their windows and it's all Phil's fault reminding him that this is a living creature just like him, and anyways, it's good training for when they get a pet one day.

He doesn't wind up killing Clarence and when Phil comes back, Dan has a new respect for him and his patience with the plant. He still complains when Phil winds up checking it for too long at night when he could be in bed cuddling Dan, however.

 


End file.
